Bye for some time


0

My Dear Reader,

Look, I’m not here to tell anybody how they should define “blog”. It’s all just words, people. And if I can make those words interesting, then I have success. My blogging is a great practice for me as a  writer. It forces me to write regularly and helps me discipline myself. I’m a fan of it. Really.

But it can also be a disease — Writing solely for others can cost me my privacy. It happens immediately. As soon as I press “publish”, my article is live for the world to see, free for people to react and respond to my content.

This is exciting, addictive even, especially when people affirm my writing. We all need positive affirmation, but because publishing a blog post is instant, it can be dangerous.

I find myself publishing just for the thrill of taking my content live for others to praise it. And then I begin to believe I'm better than I actually are. This blog stroke my ego. So I have to be careful.

After almost three years of blogging I have concluded that the blogging is a waste of time. For a time being I am going to stop writing blog posts simply because I have nothing new to say except to write about my intimate things. I swear these posts lately are being written sincerely, I tried to have my own originality. 

I'll take the time to stay away of blogging for some time and I hope that my readers will appreciate my decision.

I wish you all the best.

Zee.

It is not me, it is not you but the cigarettes


3


Toronto is a most wonderful city to visit any time of year. But in summer time my city has its own flavor. Summer months in Toronto are from June to September. However, July and August can be really hot and humid months. Today is one of those humid and hot days. It is 30 degrees right now but it feels like 35 C. 

What is new in my life? Nothing. 

My days are dragging slowly while of course I am waiting (like always), now I am waiting for vacation. I am going back to homeland on August 1st. 

But before that I need to pick up my daughter from airport on Thursday, she is returning back from Japan. I received the message from her last night and she is fine, she has money and she said that trip was wonderful experience. I am looking forward to see her.

Via match.com I met two or three girls (I don't keep the count anymore) last week and what can I say. Oh boy oh boy! It was nice to meet them but there was no chemistry for something more except simple conversation. I liked one girl but she did not like my smoking so that was a deal breaker. 

- it is not me, it is not you but the cigarettes... 

I just laughed.

So my dear reader, online dating is a good fun. 

For me, match.com has become like holiday shopping.  You might make profile like “Male, 40-49, over 6 foot, advanced degree, physically fit, makes over 60,000, non-smoker, loves dogs, wine tastings and European travel”.. and you start shopping, I mean you search for your date... 

If you find something interesting then you (put it in shopping basket) you wink and like their photos but please notice that the photos are not really current.. so give yourself a bit of imagination... they are usually older, in average 3-5 years. 

On the check out, you give her a phone number and wait for the reply... Of course you pay to the cashier... you pay for dinner and drinks... My friends, nothing is free, not in this world.

Good luck with your shoping ;)

To be quite honest, I'm not excited anymore for “Hey there...” message on my phone. 

On match.com profile every woman say she is "unique." Everybody is well-read, everybody listens to "cool" bands, everybody is intellectual and refined and grown-up and perfect. Every one of them likes funny and intellectual, well situated, athletic and active guy...

But when I meet them they are not so "unique". 

Put it simply, they are not young any more. They fight not to be old but.. anyway.

They all have passed through divorce and they still have bruises from that experience. 

One woman I met recently, spoke about her ex all the time, the entire date was just about her ex. On the end of our dinner I mentioned that to her but she said she did not notice her obsession with her ex. Unbelievable.

The last week, I did not practiced yoga every day. 

So I need to return to regular schedule. Also I need to go to gym every second day. That is my goal. I will pack my yoga math and bring it on my vacation. I plan to do yoga everyday. What else can I do? I'll visit my friends, talk to them, drink and eat good food... 

COSMIC CHAMPAGNE


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Our universe is just a bubble in the foaming sea.

Our universe could be just one in a sea of ​​infinite number of other universes, say the scientists who hope that their experiments will prove this theory of the multiverse. Each universe could be a hologram, and almost everything we see in it only an illusion, according to a their study.
Like I don't know that.

Anyway, dear readers, today is July 20, 2014. Exactly 45 years ago, American astronauts Neil Armstrong and Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin first set foot on the moon. Apollo 11 landed on the soil of the Earth's satellite and six hours after landing Neil Armstrong became the first man to set foot on the lunar surface. 45 years later I am sitting in my apartment and writing a blog post. Outside is 23 degrees but it is very humid day in Toronto, raining on and off since morning.

I am listening Godfather Soundtrack (part 2) and I feel sadness because of the vastness of our universe... are we lost in this cosmic champagne? 


Well, we can never judge our lives, or find the meaning of it, because each one of us knows only its own pain. It's one thing to feel that I live right life, but it's another to think that mine life is the only life...

In recent days, I am too much concerned with past. It is all due to my longing to continue as it use to be. And as I want past to continue, I want others to keep my company, hence my concern with their existence. But what I call existence is but the existence of a dream.

In this dream, peace comes when I stop holding others responsible for my pain, when I take my own responsibility for all of my feelings. The further I travel down the path of life, the more humble I become. 

I forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because I deserve peace.

I practiced yoga this morning and it felt so good. 45 minutes of stretching. Nice.


Kiss for goodbye


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Hello, my old friend. And here we are. You and me, on the last page. By the time you read this post, my memory of you will be long gone. So know that I live well and I am very happy. And above all else, know that I am gone forever. Sometimes I do worry about you though. I think once I'm gone you won't be coming back on these pages for awhile. And you might be alone. Which you should never be. Don't be alone... kiss... goodbye!



My dear reader

when you say goodbye that means leaving and that means forgetting. And forgetting is better then remebering and crying. Remember other people and smile, otherwise just forget them. Because the story of life is quicker than the blink of an eye, the story of love is hello and goodbye. Love is not thing to be hold on... it comes like a sunrise and it goes.

Today is Saturday, it is raining outside. I slept until 1:20 PM. Yes, I was exhausted during a week. Last night I was out until 12:30 but I was drained of energy and I felt so tired that I needed this long sleep. I did not practice yoga since Thursday...

I broke up with my girlfriend. There is nothing to explain. I don't want serious relationship, period. I always feel as if nothing is ever going to happen again. But obviously all women wants love, acceptance, respect, to be desired, security, passion and similar things. I can not pretend for so long so my relationships are short lived. I make it easier for them to leave me by making them hate me a little. 

That is the art of saying Goodbye. 

Goodbye, my dear readers come in waves. First comes as a surprise then as disbelief and then it becomes a fact. Because that is what it is... Goodbye is forever. Farewell is like nothing, but goodbye is the memory of the end. Until this memory betray itself and it is forgotten.

I do not like to say goodbye. There is no need. It is stupid word. I believe that is one of the most bullshit words ever invented. Like you're given the choice to say good-bye vs. bad-bye, or awful-bye, or couldn't-care-less-bye. Do you know where the problem lies? My partner can't live with the idea that I might leave.


Every moment is a precious thing, only by having in it the essence of finality.

Married vs divorce sex


3


It is all about sex, isn't it? I'm not really sure I know a man or woman who doesn't enjoy sex. Those passionate moments that take your breath away when you lose yourself in the arms of your partner are wonderful and exciting and fun!

Sex in marriage is a sad thing. 

Indeed. Especially after 10 or more years of marriage. One of the spouse normally is not in the mood to do anything and after some time she/he don’t even worry about it. Kissing the neck while she is cooking or grabbing her somewhere doesn't do anything for her anymore but make her feel like a piece of meat. 

When children go down for bed at night, he goes to his man cave to watch tv and she goes to the living room to watch tv until they go to bed late at night. They don’t watch the same shows so staying in the same room doesn't seem to fit. They are what a normal married couple should be and feel like... anyway there has got to be more to their life and marriage then what they are doing right now. 

When they do end up having sex, it is the same thing over and over again so it does not seem to be an exciting thing to do on a daily basis. She comes once and that's it. The game is over.

I'm not married anymore. Now, I am a separatee. 

And in my life, developing a reliable, high-grade sex is one of the ultimately, rewarding, thing. Unfortunately, the road to successful divorce sex is often fraught with difficulties. 

Ok, so in my experience this is usually a pretty straightforward endeavor: I’m not going to write a guide "How to put woman in bed in three steps", I’m going to save that material for the slower winter months, but basically you want to go on a night out with your date and then in the appropriate moment switch conversation toward hot sexy talk. If you do that by looking into her eyes, then half of a job is already done.

When you want a woman to know you’re interested in them, for example in the club, you would dance with your friends, while looking at her. When you catch her looking at you, smile. When she’s not looking at you, smile. Basically, just always smile, normally I find that smiling like a maniac while staring them out generally gets the ‘I’m into sex message across in an expedient and effective manner.

Divorces are not always the most reliable of lovers. 

They lie about their age, height, weight, they lie just about everything. This can be frustrating but it does not bother me. The golden standard I'm aiming for, really, is my mission to make her come, every time. This and nothing else is a measure to ensure continuation of the sexual encounters after divorce. 

Finally, enjoy your divorced sex partner but it’s best to keep your partner apart. I would say that most divorced partners have a six month period before they start to go a bit bad and you need to put that little yellow ‘reduced to clear’ sticker on them and whack them on the lower fridge shelf. Like exotic fruit divorced sex friends don’t last long, so enjoy them while you can. 

And remember guys – stay safe. 

My dear readers


2


Nothing is happening these days. I don't know why I am writing my blog. I have nothing to say. The way I write here is to offer you joy, happiness, self-confidence, hope, trust, and laugh. Nothing is serious, I wish you to be happy. The greatest fear in the world is of the opinions of others. Please get rid of the habbit to listen what others are saying about you.

Because, I cannot love others unless I love myself first - how can I give away what I don't have? How? To be angry is to let others's words punish me. So I let forgive others and that is the way to be good to myself.

People believe either in existence or they believe that nothing exists. I believe nothing and I am rarely confused. Life is pretty simple, I do some stuff. Most fails. Some works. Then I do more of what works. The trick is the doing something all the time.

The same with dating.


Relationship For Dummies


5


There are no news for July 15, 2014. 

Life goes on slowly but surely. Maybe I should not write a post if I don't have anything to say. But again I always have something to say even some days are just plane boring days. 

It is interesting to note that my new girlfriend came yesterday around 7 PM. I did not go for the beer night instead we went to sushi restaurant on Bloor street. We had nice time together and she slept over at my place.

This morning, we woke up late and I did not do my yoga practice. Outside was cold and it was raining, the bedroom window was open and it was so pleasant just to lay down in a warm bed. We got up at 8:30 AM and we took coffee while still in the bed.

She started talking about our relationship and her vision for us. I don't like such talks. Listen, we know love and sex and friendship and, well, just about any relationship in our life can be complicated by talk about it. What do women want? It’s the age-old question. Why is she thinking about serious things such as future and long term goals. I have none of it. I live in the present moment and I consider future only when I plan events.

Love, acceptance, respect, to be desired, security, passion, are all things she wants in our relationship.  As a matter of fact these are things that everyone wants. The challenge for me in satisfying these needs of my partner is that the feeling of "being safe” for her is generated by opposing force of "I am losing my freedom" for me, and this can/will create conflict.

So my problem with relationship is that she feels safe if she believes that our relationship is going somewhere. She told me that she needs more time with me and I have a big problem with that. I consider "need for more time together" as a kind of control. If she engages in such efforts and if she is successful in controlling me she will have influenced my behavior by her emotional reactions. Then we may spend more time together which will help our relationship to be solid. Really?

Do I want "solid" relationship?

When she asks where our relationship is going there are often different parts of her asking. Authentically she will want to know if I have the emotional depth for a greater commitment, or if I am interested just in casual sexual relationship. But she might also be asking because she has fears of safety in relationship. In this case her motivation to know future may be more about her fears than about my emotions. 

As I begin to look at these things in this relationship, I begin by asking what my own motivations are. To do this effectively I will need to be aware of my emotions and not the story of my mind. I will be much more effective in being aware of my partner once I become self aware of my own emotions. 

But I know...  Whenever I start to evaluate my relationship, something is already going wrong.

I can't even call it "mine"


0


Drear readers,


This morning I woke up at 6:50 AM, had a coffee and did meditation. I sat in cross leggs position for about 30 minutes. I didn't think about my life, of what I need to do, where am I going, I didn't consider my past and I didn't care about current moment. I just sat and watched the passing show of my thoughts. I can't even call it "mine". I just watched the thoughts.


Then I did ashtanga yoga half primary yoga practice with Sharat's count. I sweat a lot and I was feeling great.  Sweating heavily during yoga doesn't mean I'm not fit. My gym exercises are really good and I see how strong I am.

Yesterday was a quiet day. I finished everything I planned. I catch up with administration, open all received letters, filed the papers, washed some clothes, prepared soup for the week. I watched the final game of the world cup, had a beer, called my parents, spoke with my friends too. I didn't leave my apartment the whole day. I need a time of being alone, I don't feel right if I am always surrounded by people. 

It's funny how time fly, I'm just having fun watching it fly by.

The more I think about the time, the more I realize there is nothing to be understood. I wasted so much of that time reading spiritual shit...

Knowing life is intelligence, knowing myself is kind of wisdom. Mastering life and myself is power. This is what Lau Tzu said but I don't give a damn for that. Power?? Power for what? 

I am a person with two identities -  the first one is the one I am thinking I am. My second identity is what others think I am. And that's it. It is all imagination, simply thinking, thoughts. I can't even call it "mine".


I got my mind made up and I can't let go.
I'm killing every second 'til it saves my soul. 
I'll be running, I'll be running, 
'til the love runs out, 'til the love runs out. 
And we'll start a fire, and we'll shut it down, 
'til the love runs out, 'til the love runs out.


The Mojito


6


... it is better for me to take responsibility for my life as it is, instead of blaming others, or circumstances, or weather or whatever. I clearly see that my state of health, happiness, and every circumstance of my life has been, in large part, arranged by myself - consciously or unconsciously.

If you think this is a serious philosophy, my dear reader you are wrong.

Nothing is serious.

Anyway, it is Saturday, 7 PM, here in Toronto. I am tired and sleepy. I just said bye to my date. She went home one hour ago... But let start from the beginning... 

Yesterday, I had a date. I met the girl at 8 PM. We went to Italian restaurant in my neighborhood. She was looking amazing. Beautiful dress and shoes and modern hair. We immediately liked each other. Conversation just flowed. While talking we were touching each other's hands. After dinner we went to a pub and we drink mojitos. We laughed, if you ask me why, I have no clue, we laughed and we were holding our hands. Around midnight we came to my apartment. She stayed overnight, we had a breakfast together and we walked in High Park... yes you guess right. I have found a new girlfriend.

My dear reader, you see,  I'm no longer confused of what I want in life. I don't play the game of blame of what life has given me, quite contrary I live my life, I dream my dreams. 

I just want to say Thank You to everyone I met (and I am meeting) on my path. I sincerely express my appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. I truly appreciate those around me, and I truly appreciate life, and I'm finding that my life's becoming richer in colors and shapes, experiences and feelings... 

Guess why is that...

Well, in my life I stopped taking things personally. 

As you can see my life, what I'm describing here is a projection of my own reality. I'm immune to the opinions of others, and I'm not a victim of needless suffering of my own imagination. As I move through my day, I'm aware of how I treat myself. I'm aware of what I do. I keep my direction without turning around to see if others are losing theirs, and blaming me. It is simple, the world is my own place.

As I can see so many people walk around me. They are half-asleep, busy doing things they think are important. I said this not because they're chasing the wrong things. No. They devote themselves to building some false identity some useless thing... 

Well why not devote ourselves to loving ourselves with the highest goal of forgetting ourselves.

We are like children building a sand castle. 

We build beautiful castle. The castle is ours, off limits to others. We're willing to defend it if others threaten to destroy it. Yet despite all our feelings, we know that the tide will inevitably come in and sweep our castle away. 

The trick is to enjoy it fully but without seriousness, and when the tide comes, let it come and dissolve our castle back into the sea.

What you see in others, exists in you


4

Just received message on FB, my daughter arrived in Tokyo, ten minutes ago. The flight was pleasant and she enjoyed it. That is a news I was waiting all day. Good, now I can write a post.



It is almost 11:30 PM and I am ready for bed. After work, I was with my friend in Starbucks. We had large coffees (and I am not sleepy now) and then we went to the pub for a beer. We had a long conversation about women and relationships. I came home around 9:30 PM, washed some laundry and now the dryer is doing its job.

The Smiley Eyes called me today around 6 PM. She asked me how my dating is going. I was joking with her. I've promised her to find her a boyfriend. She has became my real friend. It is too bad that she does not want to go out. But I've accepted her as she is. My friend said that she is probably married but I don't believe in it. 

The lie is that which I lie to myself, lying to others is a normal thing.

I'm beginning to know myself. I don't exist. I'm the empty space between my desires and what others made of me. Just let me be at ease with myself. That's all what I want. Yes, my dear reader, What you see in others, exists in you. Our world is an echo. 

...because

many of the faults I see in others, dear reader, are my own faults reflected in them. One of the most common ways of not acknowledging my faults is to blame others. 

Do you know what I recently discovered?

The secret of being happy is to unquestionable love myself. I will stop judging neither myself nor others. I will be open to everything. The ultimate truth is that we don't exist, so where is the value of my judgment. Judging what? What am I trying to judge? 

The patterns of my life, what I want to achieve, are quite simple, but followed together, they make for a whole wiser Zee. Increase gym time, Regular yoga practice; Go for a walk; write blog, write everything down, but keep posts messy; embrace serendipity; make intentional mistakes; frequent coffees and other liquids; follow the links; let others build on my ideas; borrow ideas from others, recycle; reinvent. Build a new Zee.

From now on, everyday I must find time for silence. I should rest in that place deep in the silence. Expectations and the noise of the world must stop just for a moment. I really need to take that time to listen to allow universe to guide me.