Going back home


My Dear Reader,

Most of the times I write posts here on this blog with the clearest picture in my mind for who I am writing for. I can see you. I can see you sitting there. Reading me. And I search for the words, for the words I think you’d want to read.

And then sometimes I write post just so that I can go back and read it. Once, twice, it does not matter. I write the words for myself only, like someone else is writing them for me. I do this intentionally. I do this when I am writing about something I don’t fully understand.

One of those things I don’t fully understand yet is death. My mother is dying. I can’t ignore it. I am traveling tonight to my homeland to visit my mother. I want to see her for the last time and to say the final goodbye. This goodbye is a hard one. words are the starting point, the finish is in tears. After this goodbye things for me will never be the same. 

My mother will be out of my sight, but she will never be out of my heart, I may not see her face, but I will always remember her smile, I will never hear her voice again but she will sometimes whisper in my ear, I am going to say goodbye to her and to tell her how much she really meant to me, and this time that will be forever.

Requiem for a dream


My mother and my niece

My mother is in hospital and she is not well at all. Her life is coming to the end.

Life is coming to the end? Is that possible? 

Life has a cover, which is made up of the demands we make on the life. Everybody has his or her own demands. Some people feel like the life hasn't given them enough. Some people believe the life is not safe enough. Some people demand that everybody be peaceful. The various demands one can make on the life or on oneself go on and on. These demands form a cover over the life itself. That cover dies, life does not die, it is not possible.

"Life is a dream" because we have this overlay. It is not real. It is only a function of the mind. Our world is the world of thoughts and feelings which is not actually happening except in the mind. Our expectations and hopes are "our" life. And this dream is coming to the end.

We can die while we are still have physical body  alive... 

Releasing this overlay of ideas and images is very much like dying or awakening from a dream. Waking up is the only way to realize that life is a dream. So uprooting the beliefs, ideas, expectations and hopes is what enlightenment is all about.

Why do I practice yoga?


Well, I'm practicing yoga because I want to melt the ice with my ass. 

I saw great yogis were sitting in snow and the snow around them has melted from the intense heat they produce in their meditation. I want to do the same. 

And you know what, I tried this morning on my balcony. I sit on the ice and what can I tell you. There is a great movement in the right direction. After only 5 minutes, my underwear was completely wet. :)

That is a joke I wrote on the paper they gave me to fill out in yoga studio - Why do I want to practice yoga? 

But seriously, why do I practice yoga? 

Eh that's the tricky question. You see, I like yoga asana practice but I disagree with yoga philosophy. For me, eight limbs do not make sense; Patanjali sutras translations are not my thing. 

I am simply not born to trust. I saw "awakened" people, attended to satsangs and devotional gatherings. All these "masters" are awake for themselves not for me.

I don't care if yoga is religion or not. I don't do pranayama, I think it is too dangerous to do pranayama. I just do physical practice. The rest of the yoga limbs - concentration, meditation and samadhi are not of my concern because I don't want transcendental states of consciousness.

Yes, I don't want union with God, eternal Bliss or similar bullshit. I just want to be fully awake, beyond this dreamstate...

No really, why do I practice yoga? 

I must admit I don't know the answer on this question. I know nothing for certain. I don't know any more what the practice and spirituality is all about. There are yogis, and non-yogis, spiritual seekers, who have done their practice for 30 or 40 years. And they are still "practicing". That is an alarming thing, a really scary stuff. 

Is spiritual practice actually the biggest deceit in the history of mankind? 

I don't know.

The answer might to be that enlightenment, or the realization of Truth, is not a casual affair for mere spiritual tourists, but only for the very rare individual willing to sacrifice any and everything, including his or her very life, in its pursuit.

But what to sacrifice? 

Everything I experienced , everything I have lived so far it turned out to be a lie. Anything that is put into my memory is a lie. Who can guaranty that anything I now see, hear, feel or think is just another lie. When I grasp current events as lies, I am really done! Well, until that time, I will continue to do what I do. My stupidity will be by my side enjoying the trip. Well, I might as well enjoy it too.

Most ashtanga practitioners, myself included, are merely in search of, at best, feeling better while possibly surrounding ourselves with Sadhana, nice quotes and beliefs, incense, and countless books on spiritual subjects written by others who themselves have not made the final cut, so to speak.

So Why do I practice yoga? 

I practice yoga simply because I have nothing else to do. Week 7, practice 3 is coming.

Parking ticket


Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky. - Rabindranath Tagore

Tuesday, November 11, 2014 6:45 am the Sun Rising

There is no school who will teach us how to live so that when the time of dying comes, we can say: I lived well; I do not need to live again. Most people die wishing they could live again. So many mistakes committed, so much regrets and a lot of shame... so much left undone. Most of the people dream, but they do not live. They merely gather experience and live in their memory.

But these are "other" people, far away people, these are people who are strangers to me, I should not even mention them... What about me? What about my life?

Last night I did not want to go for a beer night but after couple of text messages with my friends I went there. I stayed for 1.5 hour and I paid a parking ticket. Well I was pissed off. In my life I do what others want me to do. I'm pushed, pulled and influenced by other people so easily, I'm like a leaf on the wind... and I want to change that. From now on I will do only what I want to do. No more pleasing others whoever they might to be: my friends, relatives, girlfriend, coworkers etc.

I often say "yes" when I want to say "no". I do things when I know I don’t want to. I spent my life trying to please people. I tried too hard to be seen as doing “what’s expected of me” and I have this regretful existence. Do I mere exist or do I live? I don't know. But I do know that I'm not obligated to live up to everyone’s expectations. Simply life is under no obligation to give me what I expect so I am under no obligation to give others what they expect.  Period.  

No one knows me better than I know myself. How I seem to others and what I actually are, rarely match.  What other people think of me don't contain the whole truth, which is fine.  So if someone forms an opinion of me based on superficialities, then it’s up to them, not me, to change those opinions.  Leave it to them to worry about.  I know who I am and what’s best for me.

Spirituality is not just transcendental meditation, it is my daily life too and yoga is not just asana practice but the evaluation of my state of being. From now on, before making any commitments or saying yes to requests, I will ask myself - Do I really want to do this? I must be clear on the consequences of saying yes to a request. And, I must learn how to say "no" and mean it. 

In the case I don't see you...


good afternoon, good evening and good night...yeah!

Lucid, with mind unshaken, remain within what is real -  Bhagavad Gita

My Dear Reader

all characters, places and events named in this blog are entirely fictional insofar as my life which I live is entirely fictional...

Maybe you're thinking that I, as a serious ashtanga yoga practitioner, a spiritual seeker on the Path, am supposed to be an example or composure and serenity, a person of exquisite poise and understated elegance radiating love and compassion. Maybe you're thinking I should be beyond or above the range of merely physical human experience, someone who lives untouched by the petty challenges and annoyances of daily life. That's what I was thinking too as I write this and contemplate the difficulties of my present situation.

Things are happening and I'm so worried. My inner balance... what inner balance? If you read my blog so far you already know that my mother is dying of liver cancer. She is getting progressively worse by every passing day. I'm talking with her over the phone every day and after every call I am very much disturbed. And you already know that I have applied for divorce last week, and you know that I was so sad to do that... And you already know that my daughter have started to date ten years older guy... and these are things that you know but there are things that you don't know. I am keeping them for myself. My life is burning and my heart is burning...

Practice, practice, practice and all is coming...

My ashtanga practice is a product of my will and my self-determination. My practice has no reliance on or cooperation with God, teachers, gurus, swamis or any other agent, only authority is my inner self. 

This ashtanga daily practice does not promise me anything, it does not increase my self-esteem, it does not give me self-satisfaction or any self-improvement. I have no assurance of reward in this practice. I don't expect raising, altering, transforming or transcending consciousness. 

There is only practice... physical, sweaty and boring and there is no better place for the practice than here and no better time than now. Week 7 is started... Practice 1 is underway... the Truman show is ending.

My daughter has a boyfriend


Today, I got up at 9 am. I had a coffee and then I did my 6th practice. It was one of the best practice I ever had. I did it alone without any dvd, simple mysore style, with my own breath counts. I was strong, 5A, 5B sun salutations, all vinyasas, 3 wheels... 

After the practice I measured my weight and it is a miracle: 85.5 kg. I have lost 3.4 kg in the last three weeks. The time has come that I start doing stomach crunches. My belly fat will go away, I am sure. I have to continue the same routine.  

The time that I've dreaded has just arrived. My daughter has a boyfriend. He is 10 years older than her and I do not approve the relationship. All day yesterday I was in bad mood thinking about her. I wish her happiness but I am not sure she has chosen the right guy. Or maybe, for me as a father no guy will be the right one. I don't know. My fragile inner peace is greatly disturbed.

As the parent of a 19 year-old girl, I wish I had the answer. But there’s one thing I've decided to stop doing, in the hopes of helping my daughter cultivate a healthy view of herself, I'll not argue with her or raise my voice or anything of this sort. Words — even those I said in jest, mean something. Words have consequences. They shape our worldview. They impact my daughter’s view of herself in ways I don’t even realize.

You may say I’m overreacting. Of course I want to protect my daughter from those who would treat her like an object. Of course I want her to make good choices about who she spends her time with and how close she allows them to get.

Make no mistake: the thought of my daughter dating someone terrifies me. But I’d rather send her into the world with a healthy view of herself than keep her locked away, while she develops her sense of worth. I wish her all the best.

Next Year - 50th Birthday


If you haven’t grown up by age 50, you don’t have to. - Unknown

Week 6 practice 5 is coming. I am ready. I like to write posts early in the morning. This writing motivates me to do the practice. It does not matter how many readers this blog is having. I write almost everyday about things I think they are important. But I know very well that nothing is so important. Life goes on, work at the office is crazy these days, I am so busy and under a great stress but I don't pay attention to that...

Next year, I will be 50. On my 50th birthday, in March, I will do 50 sun salutations. Seven years ago I did 43 sun salutations on my birthday. Seven years ago I could bind in Maryachasana C and now I can not do it. Back then I had 83 kg and now I have 88 kg and now, I am fighting with belly fat. I have strict diet and I see things are improving. 

Last two years passed extremely quickly. My life changed in so many ways, I am not married anymore, I live in different neighborhood and I have different life. But inside I did not change much. I still long for liberation and freedom from thoughts. And now I will be 50. I'll be dealing with complex issues of old “baggage” and new, fresh, age problems. 

In this youth-obsessed culture, age 50 seems to be a sort of a trigger. For young people, 50 is the point at which they perceive someone to be “old”. I don't feel old, I am a way too young to retire but I am not young either.

In the past year or so, since divorce, I've found myself “starting over” -  a sort of process that renewed my life. The process was frustrating and exhausting but I survived. For me, this has meant keeping my spirits up, having the emotional support of friends, reaching out through reading and writing, simply, learning to live alone...

The year 50 is a critical one, I'm driven by two conflicting feelings: that I have experience and the knowledge to do anything I want with my life, and that what I'm considering doing conflicts with my responsibilities. But there are always wonders of this world, where I can find new purpose when I can embrace a new lifestyle, while I still have the time and the energy to enjoy it.

The goal of my ashtanga practice


That day is very difficult day. Two stars one place is going. New moon also, full moon also. That day very dangerous day. You practice, anyone can have a small pain starting. That pain is not going very quickly. Long time he is taking to heal. Some broken possible. That is why that day don’t do. - Sri K Pattabhi Jois 

Moon Day!

I woke up at 8 am. Yesterday I had two practices. Half Primary at my home, in the morning, and Full Primary at 6 PM in yoga studio. I was tired yesterday nigh and overstretched left hamstring was hurting. I took iBrufen before sleep. And I slept like baby.

Ashtanga yoga practice is my main concern. Going to bed at 9 pm prepares me for the practice. I have to awaken. My purpose or the meaning of my life is to be awaken. It is as simple as that. 

The awakening is a change in consciousness where thinking is seen separate from awareness. Thoughts may be there or not it does not matter. What matters is the state of awareness. The Presence.

As soon as we rise above mere survival when our existential problems are solved, the question of meaning and purpose of our life becomes of great importance. Most of people feel caught up in their daily routines. They feel their life does not have any significance. 

People feel busy by the demands of their job and supporting their families. We see they are consumed by stress, while others are lost in boredom. Some people believe life is passing by or it has already passed them. Everyone wants the freedom and the choice that prosperity promises. 

We enjoy the relative freedom that comes with prosperity and discover that even that is not enough to give purpose to our life. The true meaning of our life cannot be found outside of us. It does not matter what we do but what we are. Instead of being lost in thinking, when I am awake, I recognize myself as the awareness behind it. And that's the goal of my ashtanga practice.

Ashanga and Loneliness



Loneliness is a complex and usually unpleasant emotional response to isolation or lack of companionship. Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. As such, loneliness can be felt even when surrounded by other people. The causes of loneliness are varied and include social, mental or emotional factors. - Wikipedia

Lonely - dictionary
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship.
3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.
4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak.
5. standing apart; isolated.

It all started when the Angel told me that she noticed a fact that lonely people practice ashtanga yoga. Immediately I heard that I dismiss it. I disagreed and I told her there are large ashtanga communities all around the world. There is Mysore and the explained her the circus around it. People practice together and enjoy free time after the practice.

I forgot our conversation and then I read Steve's (Confluence Countdown blog) post Apparently, it’s lonely being an Ashtangi According to the post's title being an ashtangi is a lonely thing but when I read the post I remembered the Angel's words.

Steve said: ...Perhaps it is just the type of people whom Ashtanga attracts. Slightly lonerish Type As? Of course there is the ultimate “lonely” part of Ashtanga: the home practice. I assume other yogis practice at home, but I don’t feel like there is quite the same  emphasis on such a practice... Even Mysore practice is “lonely.” Sure, you are in a room with a bunch of people, but you are all doing your own thing...

I, as an ashtanga practitioner, do see this “lonely” feeling of ashtanga yoga. The practice definitely calls for life-style changes, an inwardness look and life-introspection. The ashtanga eight limbs are so close to self-inquiry. 

The loneliest part of ashtanga is being the one of few who early in the morning roll out the mat each day. In such practice there is no teacher telling you what to do and what are you left to focus on. The breath is all that you have and of course your thoughts... 

Serious ashtanga yoga practitioners are people who are going through the stages of the awakening. Most of them are no longer certain what their "outside" purpose is. What drives the world no longer drives them. Seeing the madness of our world so clearly, they may feel somewhat alienated from the culture around them. They stick to their practice and they are no longer run by the ego, yet the enlightenment has not yet become fully integrated into their lives. So they appear lonely in this world.

Shanti Ashtangi :)


Om Shanti, Shanti, Om

The word "Ashtangi" is a modern construct. Historian and anthropologists still debate its meaning.

Ashtangi is neither man nor woman.

Ashtangi is specific kind of creature who began as mythology and became flesh in tribal ceremonies of ashtanga yoga around the globe.

Part human, part animal, part divine, part profane - Ashtangi first emerges in cave paintings eighteen thousand years ago (yogis don't appear until nine thousand years later, and South Park many years after that).

Carl Jung believed Ashtangi was a manifestation of the collective unconscious. (Of course, he believed that about everything). Jung said Ashtangi "is a forerunner of the saviour".

This Jung's definition fits what anthropologists call the cultural hero, a middle being in spiritual evolution who exists between the yogi and God, and who, through the 99% of practice, develops into God.

Ashtangi travels between base existance and Mysore mirror the eternal desire of our limited minds to explain the universe.

In Mysore, Ashtangi learns everything, from Einstein's theory of relativity to how to drive scooter.

Ashtangi simply gets it all. :)

Om Shanti, Shanti, Ommmmmmm