Cancun Riviera


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That's what the world is , after all: an endless battle of contrasting memories. 
- Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 



It is Friday, August 29, 2014. I woke up at usual time but I did not do yoga. I am too excited for the incoming trip. Tomorrow, the Angel and I are going to vacation for seven days at Cancun Riviera, Mexico. 

My dear readers, bye for now...

Post for My Daughter


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My Dear,

I was following spiritual teachings of non-duality, awareness, being present etc. etc. for almost 10 years. That period of my life is over but I have learned some great lessons. I want to tell those lessons to you. I would like to give you something special, something what my parents did not left to me. I have learned this wisdom through my mistakes, periods of meditation and introspection... 

Live authentically, passionately and gracefully. The key for such living is simple - don't take life personally. My dear, never take anything personally. There is no "person". "Person" is just imagination. So don't let compliments get to your head and don't let criticism get you down. 

Don't be too careful with the money. Money comes and goes. What goes around comes around. Haha. Seriously, I always told you, learn to see money as a vehicle with which you can drive your dreams. With every dollar that you have, keep one third to spend for yourself, one third to save for yourself, and one third to spend on others. 

Speaking of money, do not trade money for meaning of your life. Life has no meaning. Hopefully you will find Human Resources career that gives you fun time and all the money that you need. Live every day as if it is a Friday. Do not live waiting for the weekend. Find something that excites you. 

Let everyday to be a Friday, every single day and do not look for approvals. If you base all your actions on the approval of others, ultimately you will loose your own happiness. Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's hands. Learn how to say "no" to people and obligations that do not add some value to your life.

Your time on this earth is precious. You must be careful with the time. Spend your time with people and do activities that makes you smile. Anger never solves any situation. You already have kindness and now you have to learn to be firm. Firmness and kindness is the key for easy relation with people.

Get your point across without loosing your integrity. It is the only response that you will not regret later. No matter how upset you are, always treat others with respect. You will be surprised at how much can be accomplished with kindness.

Stop complaining and blaming others. No one likes that. If you do not like your current situation, work towards changing it. But don't sit and complain about it. Complaining and blaming will get you nowhere. In fact, it will only make others not want to be around you. Look for the positive in every situation. And if you do find a problem, quickly find a solution.

You will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now. Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it. Learn to slow down. Give people your full attention. Learn to listen to others.

The world is a difficult place. You may experience suffering but never stop to see the beauty around you.

Love you.

Dad

Love, oh love :-)


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This morning I woke up at 6:50 AM. I had a coffe on the balcony. It was cool and sun just started to go out. I enjoyed quiet surrounding and the beginning of the day. After the coffee I did yoga practice but the practice was short. I did ony sun salutations and then I lay down on the floor looking at the ceilings. 

My mind was filled with all kind of thoughts. My mother visited doctor today. She is not feeling good and I am worrying that doctor will confirm what we already know. I called her couple minutes ago and everything is fine. Her present condition is exactly how should be. Her body is fighting the chemotherapy and that is the reason for her bad blood tests. Doctor expects her condition to improve in next weeks.

While laying down on the floor I thought abut vacation and was happy. I am glad that I go with the Angel to our second trip. We have been together yesterday evening. We went to a store. I bought a smaller suitcase, the one I already have is to large. I don't want to think that we are soul-mates. But definitely there is connection between us.

As many as three-quarters of Americans believe in the idea of soul mates: that there is someone out there who provides a perfect fit. Unfortunately, this kind of thinking hurting the relationships. The problem is that it’s difficult for people who think they are ‘meant to be together’ to reconcile this notion with the idea that they sometimes argue.

I do argue with the Angel. She is a stuborn one, very persistent and pushy but she knows what she wants. Am I in love with her? Poets have tried to define love for centuries. But really what is love?

For me, “being in love” is when I feel really good about myself. It’s not only that I perceive the other person as a beautiful and terrific; it’s that I feel terrific about who I am and what I'm about. Yes, emotions are contagious. People catch them from others. So, when the Angel is acting lovingly toward me, it’s natural for me to feel joyous, confident, smart and secure.

My dear reader you decide if I am in love or not. :-)

The meaning of life, revisited


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I don't know for others, but for me life did not exists until my mother met my father. So life started with my birth and it will go on until my death. Life is just time. The time between birth and death. So the literal meaning of life is time. So if life is time, the way to have a happy life is to use time wisely.



I remember I could die at any time so I don't delay things I want to accomplish. I can make most of my current actions serve my future self. Learn, practice, exercise, save and invest my money, and build career towards my ideal future. People who do this are more successful and even appear happy.

But too much "future" leads me to being a successful person somewhere in the future, with old age and no true friends. Too much "future" take time away from important things that I need now. The future doesn't exist. It's something I imagine.

As we see, being focused in the future is not answer of true happiness. So, as many spiritual teaching are saying I should focus myself in the present. Give my full attention to the present. I agree, relationships, dating and sex require this. But too much present focus leads me to an empty bank account and no self control whatsoever. In a long run, too much present focus robs me of the deeper happiness...

Living in the past is by far the worse thing where I can place my focus. To remember my past is to live it over and over again. Keeping my life in the context of the past, I see I did not move at all.

Obviously life is not time. It is not good to focus all of my attanetion to past, future or present. I can say the attention should be focused on the flow (of time). Lets enjoy things seeing the changes. Life is nothing. Nothing at all!!! It has no meaning. Everything is only what it is and that is it.

I can choose to project one of meaning onto my life, if it makes me feel good, or improves my current actions. But I know the real answer is clear and obvious... 

LIFE IS JUST LIFE. IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.

I have to erase any meaning I have put into past events. Erase any meaning that’s holding me back. Erase those events where people said that "this means that". None of it is real.

I'm free to project any meaning to life that serves me. I'm free to do with it, anything I want.

Perfect weekend


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No man needs a vacation so much as the man who has just had one.
- Elbert Hubbard

My friends who read my blog ask me how I can be so honest about my life. They want to know how I can write about personal things, divorce, dating, marriage, sex, spirituality, and meaning of life, over and over again.


So what is blogging? It is pages of continuous stream-of-post writing, almost unedited, without stopping, as often as possible. 

It's fascinating to look back at the stressy, uncertain writing that went into my divorce period. I agonized over the divorce. I could hardly concentrate. My mind flitted from anxiety to anxiety and concern to concern. Then things got better. I was like starting to get in shape to do a marathon. I felt myself forcing my brain and my heart to look at what was inside me. Was I actually happy? What the hell was I? Just between me and the posts. 

Now I can write just about anything. The spirituality phase is over, the divorce phase, the dating phase... all that is over. I write now about my daily life and I am happy.

My dear readers, I am going for a vacation again. 

This time Riviera Cancun, seven days all inclusive resort. I am going with the Angel next Saturday. We decided to go after brief conversation. I hope we will have even better time then in St. Marteen last year.


I spend entire weekend with her. On Saturday night we went for a dinner to an excellent Italian restaurant and after dinner we went to the cinema, we watched "Guardians of the Universe". It was a very good movie, a lot of actions but very funny and relaxing film. I recommend it.

On Sunday we had breakfast at Sunset Grill restaurant and we took a long walk in High Park. We booked the Mexico trip and we enjoyed our time at my place. She left home around 6 pm.

And that's all. My life and the post behind it. 

The Angel


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It is Friday, August 22, 2014. I am back with my "anonymous" friend. :-) We met yesterday, talked and we had wonderful time.


What to say?... 

Relationships are complicated but my anonymous friend (the Angel) and I share a long history of love and breakups. We’ve had good times and (obviously) bad times. We grew together for some time and hardly anyone knows me better than the Angel. All of the time shared together was valuable and the lessons we learned were awesome.

I met the Angel in a DM club. It was October last year. We danced and I can tell you she is an excellent dancer. After three attempts she finally gave me her phone number and we met next Friday. We went for the steakhouse and then we went for salsa dancing at Babalu club at Yorkville. I was happy with her. Later, for Christmas we went to St. Marteen and we had a blast. I like her optimism and courage. And she is a great lover. We meant to be together. This year we were disagreeing in small things and we broke up couple times...

Online dating sucks!!!

Yesterday, I closed match.com profile. Imagine playing a video game that has no option of saving data. I get to the final level after years of pain to accomplish precision and then suddenly, BAM! I lose all and have to start all over again.

That is what dating is - the walking on the minefield. Getting back together with the Angel is like returning to an old friend. We took a break, that's all. 

When we broke up, nothing really crazily happened. I hurt her a lot but in the corner of my heart I still cared about the Angel, and she still cared about me. In my dating game, I found out that none of these new people care about me the way the Angel did.

It is a horrible realization, especially because I was excited to see other people. I soon realized that I have no interest to let others know me. By every passing day I had less and less interest of introducing myself to the new people.

But hey, I dated for a while, right? 

There is something about the Angel I liked more then any other person I had met. I realized that Angel was pretty awesome and made me feel happy, and eventually, I got that urging feeling that I want to see her again. One thing leads to another and BOOM! We’re back in it again, happy as can be.

Breakup is for a reason. It’s not anyones fault; sometimes people make mistakes and break up when they don’t really need to do so. Maybe, they just needed time to breathe a bit. In the long run, everything fall into right place.

My dear "Anonymous" friend


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And those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~ Friedrich Nietzsche


The appropriate quote, although I don't like Nietzsche. I read Will to Power and I find it too dark, could not finish it to the end. His radical questioning of truth has been morbid for my taste. Simply there is no Truth at all... so why questioning? 

An unlikely beginning of the post. What do you think? I will not go there. 

It is Wednesday evening, August 20, 2014. Rainy evening. 

My dear "Anonymous" friend;

Today, I send a text message to you and there is no response. The silence says you are afraid of not to be hurt again. I know it is over. You have a friend and she advises you correctly. What did I expect? I don't know. 

You see, many times we want and wish for the right person to come into our lives. I don’t seem to understand why it’s not working out. Everybody knows that most of relationship end up in toxic, unloving connections, but still deep down we think something wait for us.

Yes it is true, this 2014 is a year of disappointment, heart breaks and unhappy endings. It is so easy to close down for real love. But it's okay. Let me die in your memory.

Strength in the muscles of body is created by muscles being ripped apart, and then rebuilt. Your heart operates the same way. It is easy to close down after you’ve been hurt. It’s easy to turn around and find somebody else. I understand it’s scary to get back...

So goodbye my dear. Listen to your friend adviser. Enjoy your life with other guy. Don’t let the wounds of the past influence your future. Be happy... 

think i'm going for a walk now
i feel a little unsteady
i don't want nobody to follow me
except maybe you
i could make you happy you know
if you weren't already
i could do a lot of things
and i do

tell you the truth i prefer
the worst of you
too bad you had to have a friend adviser
she's not really my type
but i think you two are forever
and i hate to say it but
you're perfect together

so fuck you
and your untouchable face
and fuck you
for existing in the first place
and who am i
that i should be waiting for your touch
and who am i
i bet you can't even tell me that much

Like a star


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...this incessant stubborn dying,
this living death,
that slays you,oh God,
in your rigorous handiwork,
in the roses, in the stones,
in the indomitable stars and in the flesh that burns out,
like a bonfire lit by a song,
a dream,
a hue that hits the eye.      

...and you, yourself,
perhaps have died eternities of ages out there,
without us knowing about it,
we dregs, crumbs, ashes of you;
you that still are present,
like a star faked by its very light,
an empty light without star that reaches us,
hiding
its infinite catastrophe.

Everything matters. Nothing is important.

My dear reader, you have your own way. I have my way. Which way is the right way, the correct way? Well that is not so important. How could we possibly explain anything? One thing in life is certain... there is no explanation.

It is a mistake to work hard for happiness, or that happiness is caused by what we have, and who we are. Happiness is the our own mind when there is no presence of fear. That's all. It's simple.

Life itself is like a star- not to be seen in the sunshine of happiness, and only to be discovered in the night of death expectation. Life is like a star faked by its very light, hiding its infinite catastrophe.

Shri Sadguru Siddharameshwar Maharaj


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Everything in the Illusion is perishing every day.

To feel that something is 'mine' is itself bondage.

Anxiety kills us very early. The one who worries dies with that worry, and hatred is a very heavy burden to bear.

Experience and reporting experience to others are only within the field of Illusion.

Unless Knowledge dies, Ignorance does not die. Knowledge and Ignorance are Siamese twins born of Illusion. They are both born, and both die, at the same time.

That which is emotional, imagination, and conception is all objective. As is the concept, or imagination, so is the world. It is all conceptual.

The world appears according to how you look at it.

If you let go of all objects, then what job does the mind have to perform?

To say or conceive that one has become somebody, and that someone is transforming somebody else, is nothing but the ego's game.

What you are thinking of as 'awake' - some intense new passion for a worthy cause or a deep feeling of love for all existence is actually the deepest of deep sleep, much deeper than a feeling of boredom or indifference. Yours is an intense association with the Illusion. The bored and the indifferent are on the verge of leaving the lure of the temptress Maya behind, no longer swayed by her shiny attractions. They are on the verge of waking.

The things of this world that are cherished by people always breed fear. When some action is done after listening to the opinions of worldly people, it increases many kinds of fear. We get completely exhausted in trying to maintain those things that appear in the Illusion, as those things are ultimately perishable.

Any particular thing, person, or scene has no reality, but the one who takes it to be real is a fool. Really, he is totally mad.

Like in dreams, one sees the appearance of many, but one is always only alone.

Back to Toronto


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My dear friends, lets continue blogging :-)


Do you remember this old-fashioned hobby of keeping a regular, text-based journal about my life , spirituality, dating and my other interests? 

Call me old-fashioned. I do love my blog and that has nothing to do with me not loving the newer stuff. I love Facebook and Google+ and other places to publish, share and connect too, but I have a special love for this blog.

I am very well aware that the era of selfie-centred blogging is coming to an end! Yes, that’s right. We’re at the end of the personal blogosphere as we know it.

However, I'll still do it. I took the plunge in the last three years and I did relatively nice work in the blog world. I was off one month and my blog fall down into silence. Well, my posts had always “too much to say”, I felt somewhat overwhelmed by all of the noise, the constant rat race of writing "more interesting" posts...

Anyway.


Dear readers, I am okay. I am still single without girlfriend and I feel fine. Last month was realy crazy. I met a couple of women but I did not find the right one. I am going to disable my profile on match.com. It is a waste of time.

Yesterday, I returned from my vacation. I am still tired from my trip. I returned to Toronto from Rome after 9 hours of flight. I waited in Rome for a 6 hours for the connecting flight.

My mother is not so well. Her illness is progressing fast and she is feeling pain now. The entire atmosphere back home was difficult, stressful and somehow quiet. No usual laughing and joking around. I avoided my friends and I did not go out. I spend a lot of time with my mother. I am afraid that I have seen her for the last time.


My Anonymous friend thank you for the song... It is now ringtone for my phone. Yes, I am expecting the call :-)