Moving On


You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what couldn't, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on. - Anonymous

When you’re desperately holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. What love wants for the other person is happiness. Fear wants to hold onto whatever appears to make you happy so you don’t have to feel alone. 

Nothing in life lasts forever. Every experience and relationship eventually runs its course.

I'm now a single again.

It’s time to focus on myself and what I want. This is a liberating time. 2015 gives me freedom I asked for. Breaking up is not the end of the world. There will be another relationship, another great love and another bad ending. It’s just a dream.

The breakup happened just before the Holidays but, is there ever a good time to break up with someone? The relationship with the Angel is finished, it just faded away. It’s by far stupid thing to stay together out of pity, fear, cowardliness or laziness. Lets get real and move on.

And this is all I want to say about my breakup. There will be no online drama here. I already unfriended the Angel from Facebook and I deleted her from my phone. My advise to her is to stop reading this blog.

I'm moving on. 

I've no intention to dwell on what went wrong or what I could have done differently. I might think I made mistake, and if only I didn't do it I wouldn't be in this position right now. I don’t want to go down that road - there’s nothing good down there! 

I'm strong, happy, passionate person and as such I will get through this time and attract someone equally amazing. I'll not allow sadness, depression or guilt to come to me. In one way or another, I will meet people and create all kinds of possibilities for relationships - only if I forgive myself, let go, and open myself up... that's it. 

Break Up with the Angel


Someone told that the most perfect relationship is the one that supports you in fulfilling your destiny. Wow serious shit, really. Destiny!

I used to believe that if two people loved each other, things would work out. As I got older and wiser, I understood that the “love” is nothing else but demanding, repressing, and controlling. But I have to admit, I'm not an expert in these matters, I don't even know what kind of real, mature love looks like. After 22 years of marriage I don't believe in love anymore.

I grew up on romantic movies with happy endings and romance novels where passion takes over logic. In those movies, no matter how difficult the circumstances around the couple were, they would somehow resolve those issues and walk off into the sunset to live happily ever after.

Today, I broke up with the Angel. I told her to come and pick up her stuff from my apartment and  lets break up our relationship... She agreed.

I feel free again.

Who are you?


Ah what a question! 

But you know, there is no answer. 

I spend a lot of my time in self study, self-examination, and self-observation. Now, I have no clue who I am. 

I know who I think I was, a man shaped by years of conditioning and habit. I know who I think I want to be... free, joyful, and stable. 

So what goes against my wish?

Feelings. I am so attached to my feelings. My rage, my fear, my anxiety, my jealousy, my insecurity, my selfishness, my unrealistic expectations, all these have something in common... the prefix MY.

"My" or "mine" is the first label of my living condition, implying possessiveness and attachment. True it gives me an identity but the price for that is very high. With that identity I also have an attached emotion to the emotion, a judgment of my “bad” qualities, which carry a sense of shame and guilt.

All spiritual teachings believes that we are not separate from the divine, but in fact, living, breathing embodiment of divinity. My anger is divine, my fear, anxiety, stress are all facets of the divine. My challenges, my struggles, are the divine working through me. Everything is fucking divine except "me". 

And that's the whole truth.

Accept life the way it comes


I came from work, had bacon and yogurt for a dinner, and now I am writing this post on my laptop, listening The Godfather Part I soundtrack. It is nice outside, warm for this time of the year. The streets, building, houses, stores, offices are decorated and I feel like walking through the wonderland. Christmas movies are started to play on TV, all with good-will messages and happy ending. Children are happy. Students are happy. No school, no lectures. Snow has come (and gone). Perfect setting for the perfect holiday. New Year, with the hope of the better things to come, is just around the corner. I feel an excitement in the air, I feel it everywhere, in my wallet too. ;)

Just like you, I am always looking for happiness. 

The Holidays are just an opportunity to create circumstances for enjoyment. But, Why are we seeking happiness? Happiness is momentary sensations of forgetfulness of the problems, which of course do not disappear but that forgetfulness give the sense of being happy. 


We move from one pattern to another, from one cage to another, from one philosophy to another, hoping to find happiness, not only happiness in relationship with people, but also the happiness as a resting place where our mind will never be disturbed, where the mind will cease to be tortured by its own content. 

I may put this in different words, I may use different jargon, but that is what we all want — a place where the mind can rest, where the mind is not tortured by its own activities, where there is no sorrow.

May you find your happiness!!!

Know what gives your life meaning and what gives you a sense of purpose. It is important that you know what you want. Start from there and happiness is easily found but remember search for happiness is itself the main reason for unhappiness. 

Good luck. :-)

Cozy Sunday afternoon


Suffering just means you’re having a bad dream. Happiness means you’re having a good dream. Enlightenment means getting out of the dream altogether. - Jed McKenna

Sunday, late afternoon, the Angel just left home, my washing machine is working, the apartment is clean and it feels cozy. She came late last night and we had a nice walk in High Park this morning. We had breakfast and we visited the bank, I paid my corporate taxes.

I am feeling relaxed and eager to start new ashtanga yoga cycle. I am ready for the last working week in this year. On Friday I am going for two-weeks vacation. I am not traveling anywhere, I will stay at home and enjoy days off the work.

My plan is to do yoga everyday, walk in High Park, read good books and prepare detailed financial plan for the next year. I already paid corporate taxes and now I must pay the payroll and after that I am waiting for April next year to do personal taxes. Next year is a very important year for me because I will switch from contract to full time employee. This will cut my income in half but I don't think about that. Yes, it will be different, every dollar will count but I'll have enough for me.

My daughter is now third year of University and one more year of scholarship is left to be paid. I'm paying her education and I need to save enough for that last payment. Next year, I must be very careful with money. The life I have lived so far is over. The change is only permanent thing. I need to manage my income much better then I use to so far. 2015 will be a challenging year in that regard.

These images are taken today in front of and inside the hall of my condo. I am very much satisfied where I live. It is a perfect location and only 20 minutes by subway to my work place. It is near the biggest park in Toronto (High Park) and lots of small convenient stores on Bloor street. Even before divorce I liked this area and after divorce I called my real-estate agent and requested to buy condo here. Fortunately the apartment I liked was on the market so I bought it in March this year. The apartment was okay, I refreshed it by painting it and I moved in in April.

Jingle Bells


We are in the third week of December. Everywhere you look in Toronto, you will find rush and joy, happiness, shopping fever and snow; and stress too. At work, in this period everyone is rushing to put an end to the projects of this year in order to start fresh the new year to come. It is busy time. In subway people with received gifts, look seemingly happy. 
                                                                                            You can feel it, Christmas is just around the corner. The topic of conversations in most homes is "What am I getting for Christmas?" I don't know when this Christmas shopping disease actually started. It is all about presents wrapped up in glittering paper. Presents, gifts, good wishes, remembrance... celebration of family... nice delicious dinner and long talks about past and future... Christmas spirit.. Jingle Bell, jingle bell...

I don't like Christmas time. This whole "Holiday Season" is just a commercial trap. Everything from Santa Clause and Frosty to boring Christmas songs, played everywhere. The whole "the time of giving" is pure bulshit. Time of giving? Give what? Give to your relatives and friends more useless shit that they don't need? Boxing Day is a day where everyone returns or exchange their precious presents... 

The worst of all these games in Holiday season is "Secret Santa". It is by far the fastest way to crappy gifts because people always spend money away on stupid gifts or other cheap items that are irrelevant. Christmas spirit.. Jingle Bell, jingle bell...

Scratch and save only happens once per year.

The biggest piece of bullshit of all time is Christmas dinners. During holidays people eat like pigs. They wake up the next day feeling overstuffed, bloated, and nauseated. Oh not to worry, read online advises for of holiday detox recipes and get back to your healthy, happy self.

I like your likes


I did my 5th yoga practice this morning. 

I feel tired but very much self-satisfied. Ashtanga yoga made a fair amount of improvements in my physical life. I should be grateful. I went from 30 minutes of unregular practice to the present where I do exercise 60 minutes every day. 

Ashtanga yoga is hard, hard and boring practice. I do Half Primary every day and this set of sequence is always the same. Let me tell you, it is both mind-blowing as well as completely frustrating to be doing the exact same thing over and over and over again without seemingly advancing one little bit.

Ashtanga yoga doesn’t promise anything and yes, you might have to be alone and a little masochistic to commit to it, but so what... let choose discomfort for a change. And yes, you really feel great when you finish the practice.

In my life nothing new. 

I still have a girlfriend, the Angel, and we see each other during weekends. We had a long discussion about my post where I've mentioned her. She is reading and analyzing every post and she concluded that I am not the same in real vs. blog world. She said I always surprise her by my posts. According to her my posts are lifeless and I sound very depressed. But well, she does not know what awakening is (what we need to wake up from?) and I really wonder how she understands this blog. 

Talking about my blog, I made decision in 2015 I will write only about personal things. The posts like this one. I decided to write for myself not for other people. There will be no more "dear readers...". 

On Black Friday (November 28) I ordered three shirts from online site Sammydress. I did not receive anything from them so I contacted the site yesterday and they informed me that they do not have the shirts in the stock. They will re-stock around December 28. ???? Unbeliveable. I canceled the order.

One more week and I am going for a two-weeks holiday vacation. I am not travelling anywhere, I will stay at home, practice yoga, go to walks, read books and just be lazy. I have no plans to go to yoga studio and practice there.

I have already set my goal for 2015: acceptance, enjoyment and inspiration. My goal may look a bit abstract but I know exactly what I am talking about. Or do I? Well, I want to "install" some intentional mood on the top of this constant feeling of emptiness, of meaninglessness of my existence. People are too busy to feel it (like the Angel), but due to all these years of spiritual practices, I do feel the emptiness. For a long time I looked at the abyss and now abyss is looking at me. ;)

Since my mother was diagnosed with liver cancer, this emptiness in me has grown deeper. I know her life. I see how she is fading away and I have to ask for the meaning of all this. It is not by my choice but with a dose of resentment, I must agree with Jed McKenna: life does not have meaning.

On Facebook you have to like it. On Facebook we have the option to "Like" the photos, status and activities of our friends. Not only that, in fact, Facebook allows us to "Like" the fact that other people have liked the posts of others. Facebook is a positive tool and we can watch the rise of the "Culture of Likes." Disagreement is pushed back - to disagree is not appropriate... well, be polite. 

...and this is how things are.

What truth?


Morpheus: That you are a slave, Neo. Like everyone else you were born into bondage. Born into a prison that you cannot smell or taste or touch. A prison for your mind. Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself... 

Deep down you know that something is very wrong with the world and your life but you try hard not to notice it. Work, family, children, TV, sports, coffee... all is there to distract you from this obvious truth.

This planet is a gigantic chicken coop, run by beings greedy for power and prestige.

We live in a system based on exploitation and consuming.

Human organization is based on dominance and naturally takes the form of a pyramid with few at the top and most at the bottom. 

Man is born sane and spoiled by contemporary education, influenced with the values of ego, hypocrisy, self-calming, empty talking, vanity and self-love. Today, people live thinking only about themselves.

There is an enourmous contradiction between the intelligence of man the engineer and the stupidity of his systems of beliefs. People stick to their systems of beliefs, ideas of good and evil, social mores. They set up hopes and expectations and dreams of success or failure. They have made themselves covetous, greedy and coward.

Unfortunately, people nourished themselves with chaos and fear. Man's tendency to subjectivity and egocentrism serves to maintain this status quo. 

There is a terrible truth: no one wants to be free.

Everyone is a slave and the slave tends to dream of becoming a master rather than of gaining freedom. The crux of the matter on which the whole ploy of the humanity rests is man's suggestibility, complacency and tendency to wishful thinking.

The present situation is not a moralistic punishment for a fall of humanity. It is a natural consequence of a state of being, just as it is a natural consequence of being a rabbit to sometimes get eaten by a fox.

Humanity as a whole cannot succeed in the battle for freedom. 

Only an individual can become aware of his situation and find an escape. Freedom exists. It is when there is no feeling of "I". Reaching that inner peace means awakening.

Consider. The world in which you live, who else knows about it? Within the prison of your world appears a man who tells you that the world of painful contradictions, which you have created, is neither continuous nor permanent and is based on a misapprehension. He pleads with you to get out of it. You got into it by forgetting what you are, and you will get out of it by knowing yourself as you are. There is no reality in it. It cannot last.
- Nisargadatta Maharaj

At the Feet of Santa Claus


When we speak of the Guru, mention of ‘the feet’ is never far away. We surrender to the feet, we sit at the feet, we give offerings to the feet, we touch the feet, and if we are lucky enough to be graced by them, we ultimately merge with the feet...
- Arunachala and Sri Ramana Maharshi

7:05 am  - I am ready for the practice

When I am ready the Guru will appear.

So this morning I answered doorbell and there He was. The Santa.

Good morning, Dear Seeker of Truth; - It has been brought to my attention that you have reached the point where you’re ready to receive the teaching and I am here to deliver it...

Ha! It is so nice, isn't it? However, it doesn't work like that.

I am ready does not mean anything. Ready for what? Instead of searching for a Guru, I decided that I would focus simply on being less of an asshole... 

I may appear as a depressed and morose. But if you’re not discouraged, disgusted and disenchanted with every choice you have made, thus realizing every future choice can only mirror that same fucking generic futility, then you’re still hypnotized by the invisible matrix you're living in. 

If I could sum up my current spiritual practice and the top of my wisdom and devotion, as I see it, it amounts to the following: don’t be an asshole. I worked for almost 13 years to be enlightened, and the only thing I got was the realization that I was — and still am — an asshole. Waking up doesn’t abolish the ego, which is, very simply, my conception of self and put it more simply: who I think I am. It just puts it in perspective. There is no better self, there is no self-improvement, there is only Zee, here and now...

Anyway, the holiday season have started in Toronto. 

You can feel it in shopping malls, in grocery stores, on streets even at work place. Now the Facebook, Twiter and online news will start discussion what is proper greeting: Marry Christmas or Happy Holidays. It is the same story, every year. Very soon the snow will fall down and we will have a winter blues in Toronto.

I don't feel this holiday excitement. I do my practice every day but I don't write about it. What to write? Got up at 6 am, had a coffee and did practice. The practice was good and sweaty, I was strong etc.. etc.. I will not write such things anymore. I keep my balance and I try to live healthy life. Last Sunday I went for a walk in High Park. It was -5 C...

I don't seem to think about irrelevant things anymore. What would I think about? News? Sports? Politics? Society? Business? The arts? I don't think about it and I don't care for those things. I have no genuine interest in anything except doing my practice.

Oh yes, there is one thing worth mentioning... Dear Santa Claus when you bring gifts bring the batteries too.

Say No to Yoga Studio


Yoga has many physical, spiritual and mental benefits. No doubt about it. I give support, confidence and hope to anyone who wants to practice yoga especially ashtanga yoga. The final goal of our practice is spiritual enlightenment or awakening. Is there some purpose of yoga other than to awaken us from delusion? Lets never forget that. Once you have learned the postures do your practice alone at home. This is the only way to progress spiritually. 

Please, stop going to yoga studio.

Yogis doing yoga in studio classes are like fleshy robots running on outdated spiritual software. They possess immense knowledge and full capacity for thought. They competently handle all the complexities of life — family, health, finance, career — day in and day out, year after year. They are intelligent, mature, clever, kind, honest, and fairly representative. And yet, whenever we turn to real spirituality, the most basic and essential facts about awakening, all we get from them are dubious stares and incoherent skepticism.

I agree, for the beginners, the yoga studios are a shining gift from Lord Shiva. As it goes, you can't get something for nothing but there's a problem: yoga can be extremely expensive: $18 is a price for a single class; on average $160 is the yoga ten classes. You have a choice. On Black Friday the price of the class was dropped to $14.99. There's no getting around it and the business is booming. Namaste!

There, in the yoga studio, everyone's always telling you how their award-winning studio is a great and with the best yoga teachers around, and as with everything, that's only partialy true, but then you go to yoga class and there you find the floor smells like onions steamed in cat pee. 

The great majority of yoga teachers think flexibility is a measure of how good you are. While you certainly hold tension, trauma and rigidity in your limbs and joints and muscles, there is no reason to imagine there's some absolutely direct correlation between how well you can move and how functional or healthy your mind is. I seriously doubt that a former dancer and today's yoga teacher with 200 hours of teachers training certificate has any serious qualification to teach. 

But such teachers will certainly tell you that you hold a lot of stuff in your hips and hamstrings and as you begin to let this stuff go you will become your authentic self. Teachers talk like that, they are like modern saints. They talk originates, as they say, from "a space of pure intention". The word "honor" is used a lot, as in "honoring yourself" or "honoring your practice". Other popular words such teachers like are "happiness", "bliss", "space" etc. 

Yogis are all in this lululemon spirituality trance. 

Be nice, be quiet, smile, breathe deeply, be good, don't ask questions, don't use your minds, don't make a disturbance — sound familiar? Yoga studios are doing nothing more than maintaining our ignorance. None of them are teaching against our egoistic bonds. There is no interest in freedom. It's all been channeled safely into nonthreatening, ego-gratifying avenues such as "living practice", "yoga is light" and other bullshit.

Please, for the love of yoga, stop going to yoga studio.