Am I getting old?


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You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
- George Burns

The sixth yoga practice in a week: Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and today. Wow. I am proud of myself. This is the life I want to lead. I was in the studio yesterday and the class was so challenging. Half ashtanga primary class with 5 sun salutations A and B and 5 navasanas. All closing sequence with exact count for shoulder-stand and headstands. Very, very tough class. 

I went to bed very early, at 8:30 pm. I woke up at 6 am and had a coffee on the balcony. It was around 12 degree C and it was so nice. The sun started to come out around 6:10 am. The balcony faces east so I always have nice look at sunrise. 

I got used to live alone. I notice when I am with other people I always wait for them. Wherever I am going I like to be on time. My ex was the master of lateness. (if there is such a word). I don't know how she behaves now but with me she was late everywhere we went. The Angel is a little better but I have to wait for her too.

The people that are usually late, I think, they actually enjoy being late, because they like the idea of knowing other people are waiting for them. I would say that they're insecure and having people wait for them makes them feel important. This is just my opinion.

Living alone solves all the problem of waiting for someone. Also I noticed that relationship suffers if the partners do not have a common sleeping pattern. I mean if one partner wants to go to bed early and to get up early and another partner wants to go to bed late and get up, well, late. We all need 8 hours of sleep a night but when this 8 hours going to happen is up to us.

I like to go bed very early, around 9 pm, read a book and fall asleep around 10 pm. I wake up weekdays by the phone alarm at 6:50 am. So often I wake up and get up even earlier then that especially if I go to sleep before 9 pm. This is a perfect time for me and when I go out on Friday or Saturday my sleeping pattern is broken and I'm having difficult time on next day. 

In our daily lives, we rush through tasks, trying to get them done, trying to finish as much as we can each day, speeding along to our next destination, rushing to do things we consider important. Unfortunately, it’s often not until we approach our final destination that we realize what madness this all is. At the end of the day, we’re often exhausted and stressed out from the chaos of the day. We don’t have time for simple book and sleep.

It doesn’t have to be that way. It’s possible to live a simpler life, one where I enjoy each activity, where I am present in everything I do, where I am content rather than rushing to finish things. 

...or am I getting old?

Yoga continues...


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Today is Sunday, around noon, and I feel eager to go for the yoga class. I bought 10 yoga classes and I can tell you it is expensive. $170 plus the tax. Incredible how yoga become so expensive sport. :-)

I slept 12 hours straight. My dear reader this is true.

The Angel came around 8 pm on Friday and we went to see the Trip to Italy. The movie was so boring so we left theater after 20 minutes, switched the cinema theater and watched The Expendables. A lot of actions and the good guys win on the end. That's it, the waste of time. We came to my home around 2 am.

Yesterday, we woke up around 10 am, and we left for Half Primary Ashtanga Yoga class at nearby studio. The practice was so challenging, very fast and vynasas were on every side. After the practice we went to Sunset Grill for a breakfast.

It is Ukrainian festival on the Bloor street so we strolled down and up the street before we walked to my home. We were at home around 5 pm. We took shower and we lay down on the bed. We were exhausted. She left to her home around 7 pm. I went to bed at 8 pm and slept until this morning. I got up at 9 am.

Today at 3:15 pm, I am going for another Half Primary at the same studio. Yoga continues... My energy is increasing and I like the feeling. Hey, this will be the fifth yoga practice in a week. Good. I will try to do yoga tomorrow as well. Then I can have a break on Tuesday.

I have cleaned the house, washed the clothes from Cancun trip, filed the papers and documents, paid HST tax and generally this week I have done all to return to regular daily routine...

Una mattina mi son svegliato
o bella ciao, bella ciao, bella ciao, ciao, ciao
e la gente che passera
dira "o che bel fior!"
morto per la liberta


Friday!!! Finally.


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The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward. - Anonymous

Friday!!! 

Finally. 

The weather is changed and it is very nice in Toronto. The summer is almost over. I woke up early in the morning around 6 AM. I left to bed at 9 PM and I slept like a baby. Before sleep I read Murakami's 1Q84 book. 

I feel rested and I am looking forward to the weekend. The Angel will come tonight and she will spend the weekend with me. We may go for yoga class tomorrow. The new schedule should be in affect and there is a new Ashtanga Half Primary Yoga class. It starts at 12:15 so it is excellent timing. 

I did three yoga practices this week and of course I am not satisfied. I could not do yoga on Tuesday morning because I had beer night on Monday. I stayed late and that's it, I could not wake up. Yesterday too, no yoga, I could not wake up on time. So in order to do yoga practice I need to go to bed early, not later then 10 PM. 

Maybe I am too strict with my expectations. 

I need to forgive myself for everything I have done and for all the things I didn't do. I should not get stuck on the regrets of what should have happened...

Generally speaking I don’t worry too much for anything. I am part of HERE and NOW, really. Always have been, always will be. It all starts here, it all ends here. This is my place. It’s the knot. It’s tied to everything. And I mean everything. Things I lost. Things I'm gonna lose. Everything. Here’s where it all ties together.

My yoga practice can hide me as cleverly as you like, but in the final analysis this practice is deception, pure and simple. It doesn’t solve anything. Only my muscles became as they are supposed to be.

In my life I need daily routines. 

It’s like a main theme in music. But I see that they also restricts my thoughts and actions and limits my freedom. It structures my priorities. And I laugh, my routines are full of ways and means to waste time. But what else to do?

I am just one of many people which walk around with this meaningless life. I am half-asleep, even when I'm busy doing things I think are important. Is this because I'm chasing the wrong things? I should not believe what I see, I have to believe what I feel.

Filing for divorce


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Dear reader, 

as you probably know my wife and I separated one year ago after 22 years of marriage. During our separation my wife has made no contact with me unless it was to do with our daughter or the house and then only by text. The only time she spoke to me was if I rang her. And that was a long time ago. She said "we are still friends" but that means nothing. The reason we separated was because we had drifted apart...

Unfortunately, my story is all too common.  My divorce occurred as the result of our growing apart over the years, or better said, we never really belonged together in the first place. We stayed together for our daughter and we bear our unsatisfying marriage until the time came when my ex felt free to leave.

Generally speaking, I initially tried to work to improve our marriage

but if little came of such efforts, I eventually gave up trying.  Instead, I simply waited for this moment, so my ex did not left me by surprise.  

I understand now that my ex made the decision to leave the relationship a long time ago before actual break up. She has been planning our divorce for a long time, and there was probably little I could do to change her mind. It is as simple as this: My ex lost her interest in being in a relationship with me anymore.

When marriages fail people often spend their time looking for alternative explanations because the simplest explanation is too painful to acknowledge. Some men want to stay in such marriage begging their wives, offering solutions to problems their wives have no interest in solving, and attempting to convince their wives that changes they made are "for better". These things do not work.

In the last year I tried to understand the REAL reason she left me. 

You see, my reader, I believed that the reason my wife left me is because of something I did or didn’t do.  And, it made sense to think so, because that is what my wife complained about. But recently I concluded that is not the real reason.  You see, women don’t leave men because of what men do. They fall out of love with men because of that, but they don’t leave them for that. No, they leave because of the hope for a better life. Without the hope, she could not find the energy to leave.  

The simple reason that she left is because she wants to have a better life and she believes that the only way to do that is without me. Now that she has left, I have thought a lot about what she has said and all of those things that she repeatedly complained to me about over the years. Nothing of that makes sense.

Anyway, I don't approach her anymore.

We are not friends we are nobody. She doesn’t love me anymore.  She wants to have a happy future without me.  My life does not concern her. That's it. My dear readers, I wish I had a more encouraging perspective to offer.  I am filing for divorce this month.

My Ashtanga Yoga Practice


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Dear reader, chances are that you've heard good things about yoga. You have heard that yoga can relax you. It can get you fit - just look at the perfect bodies of some celebrities which do yoga. And, more and more, yoga is purported to be able to cure numerous medical conditions. 

But is yoga the magical cure that so many believe it to be? 

Yes and no. Yoga certainly can't cure all problems that we have but it does offer significant benefits. 

Everyone suffers from anxiety from time to time. The anxiety takes a tremendous toll on the body, draining energy, influencing auto-immune system and keeping the body in a state of stress. The effects of stress are magnified when the body is not exercised - tension in the muscles, shallow breathing and the mind has no rest from the whirling thoughts and feelings... all that feed the stress. 

My yoga practice helps me to access an inner strength that allows me to face my fears, frustrations, and challenges of everyday life. I practice half primary ashtanga yoga early in the morning. I think most important thing is to get on the mat. The practice takes from 30 to 60 minutes.

Ashtanga yoga, is a style of yoga introduced and popularized by K. Pattabhi Jois from Mysore, India. Ashtanga Yoga is different from many yoga classes in the west in that the order of asanas is completely predefined. Once you learn the postures that's it. Then... "Do and all is coming" as Master Jois used to say. 

A practice comprise four main parts: sun salutations, a set of asanas while standing - "standing sequence", then "sitting sequence" and finally, a set of inverted asanas, referred to as the "finishing sequence". Daily or regular practice is highly emphasized in Ashtanga Yoga. Students are encouraged to practice 6 days a week, preferably in the morning, and to take rest on Saturdays as well as the days of the full and new moon (commonly referred to as moon days by ashtanga practitioners).

Every time I practice, I accomplish something. That sense of personal achievement is priceless at this phase of my life... I want to make my body strong and flexible, my mind calm and quiet. Since I've started practising daily, I no longer suffer from any anxiety. 

It's almost impossible not to get whipped into shape with this practice. I want physical strength, flexibility and stamina so I'll commit fully and do the practice 6 times a week... 

Spirituality


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What you are thinking of as 'awake' - some intense new passion for a worthy cause or a deep feeling of love for all existence is actually the deepest of deep sleep, much deeper than a feeling of boredom or indifference. Yours is an intense association with the Illusion. The bored and the indifferent are on the verge of leaving the lure of the temptress Maya behind, no longer swayed by her shiny attractions. They are on the verge of waking.Shri Sadguru Siddharameshwar Maharaj


At some point in time, my dear reader, you will experience a feeling that there is something greater than the concrete world you live in. Whether this feeling is inspired by a mystery of death, the awe-inspiring view on the majestic sea, or the feelings experienced in connecting with others, at that moment you will start wondering what is this all about. Is this all there is to life? It's these feelings, moments and experiences which form the foundation of your notion of spirituality.

The most beautiful aspect of spirituality is that it is experienced differently by everyone. For some people, spirituality is about a devotion to a religion, to the faith, the believe in God. Others seek out a more personal connection with their spiritual side by engaging in activities such as yoga, meditation, spending time in nature or creative expression. Again some people are vegeterians, some follow spiritual teachings of buddism, hinduism, zen etc... and some work for communities rather then for their own gain. 

There is no right or wrong way of spirituality. 

What's important is to recognize that everyone is on his own journey. Whether you are someone who's devoted your life to consiously follow some spiritual teachings or you're just starting to discover your own spirituality, there are important lessons that can be learned from the path you follow. 

My own spirituality is just living my life. So I always wonder How can I become more spiritual in my daily life? More spiritual for me means to be more aware in my daily activities. How can I make less mistakes and do only things that I want to do. How can I stop being influenced by people or events? To me, to be spiritual is to be in conscious connection with my true nature; to be self-aware. And self-awareness is a process rather than a destination.

So what is my practice now? I simply live my life... But what does that mean? How can I do anything else?

Once I am conscious and aware of my feelings, I quickly become aware of ever-increasing subtleties of my emotional life, and yes, my inner intuition awakenes. And therein lies the lesson. Feeling inside, and then doing what needs to be done. I see that nothing can trouble me but my own imagination.

I have noticed that most people are working hard but getting nowhere. They are always in the past or future and their thoughts never stop.  Their world of the mind is illusory in nature. It is based in their memory and imagination. It is not real, and yet to the extent that they believe that it is real, they are lost in a world of illusion and they do not realize it.

For me a good life is simply waking with a smile on my face feeling good about the day I am about to live and, at the end of the day having a smile on my face feeling good about the day I have just lived. I feel like I am the richest person alive.

My mum


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Yesterday, I had conversation with my sister, she is back home, helping my mother and father. My mother is very weak and unstable and my father can not support her fully so my sister is helping. My mum collapsed last Saturday. Tomorrow she is going to have a brain scan because doctor believes that the cancer cells are spreading into the brain.


In June she was diagnosed with liver mets. I was informed that the cancer isn't curable, but local Chemotherapy is given to try to 'manage' the cancer and try and contain it. Surgery wasn't an option as there are multiple tumors on the liver. 

She is ill and I call her every day and speak with her but it is difficult. Knowing how to offer comfort and support to my mother who has a terminal illness is very challenging for me. What can I say or do? How can I help? How will I deal with my own grief? 

Dying isn't a science. Life is teaching us how we should die. But we don't take that so seriously. I don't assume that my mother is going to go through a methodical process of coming to terms with her death. It does not happen that way. 

Acceptance of the illness is part of the grieving process — learning to live my own life as fully as possible while accepting the fact that my mother is ill. Denial is an important coping mechanism but I am not denying my mothers illness. The reality is too frightening, too overwhelming and it influence me. Acceptance is a form of natural protection that can allow me to let reality in bit by bit and continue living while I know that her death is approaching fast.  

I don't focus on the end game and how long I think she might have left. I focus on the time I have with her now, our telephone calls, day by day. She is in a tough place right now and all I can do is support my mum and do everything I can to make her special. 

Vacation is over


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My Dear Readers, 



today, early in the morning, at 2 AM, the Angel and I have arrived to Toronto. Vacation is officially over. We had a really nice time and sunny weather. The hotel was beautiful one of the best I have ever been. Food was excellent and entertainment in the hotel was marvelous. I can say freely... we had a dream vacation.


My favorite vacation spot have been the infinity pool and of course the beautiful beach. I've been to many, many beaches in Cuba, the Dominican Republic, other places in Mexico, St. Marten etc... but this year what I enjoyed the most is the warm water of the ocean. I liked jumping on the waves and diving to the bottom.



Almost everyone who enjoys vacation is subject to what is commonly known as the post-vacation blues, a type of stressed or down mood that can affect us in the period after returning from a vacation. I have no time for the post-vacation blues. My vacation is over, period, Now, I have to be back to reality, asap.



I have already set my clock for regular morning wake up time of 6:50 AM. yes, to get up in the morning and do same routine - coffee, yoga, work... over and over. After 5 days of this schedule, weekend will come, I'll hang out with the Angel and my friends and that's it. Doing interesting different stuff every day is over. 


This seems like a boring routine, isn't it? Yeah, sometimes it does get boring but it is my life. Although I admit,  I do have a feeling something will happen, I will be able to accomplish new things... I hope... but I am not convinced that my hope will bring such new things, so good luck to me :-) 

Cancun Riviera


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That's what the world is , after all: an endless battle of contrasting memories. 
- Haruki Murakami, 1Q84 



It is Friday, August 29, 2014. I woke up at usual time but I did not do yoga. I am too excited for the incoming trip. Tomorrow, the Angel and I are going to vacation for seven days at Cancun Riviera, Mexico. 

My dear readers, bye for now...

Post for My Daughter


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My Dear,

I was following spiritual teachings of non-duality, awareness, being present etc. etc. for almost 10 years. That period of my life is over but I have learned some great lessons. I want to tell those lessons to you. I would like to give you something special, something what my parents did not left to me. I have learned this wisdom through my mistakes, periods of meditation and introspection... 

Live authentically, passionately and gracefully. The key for such living is simple - don't take life personally. My dear, never take anything personally. There is no "person". "Person" is just imagination. So don't let compliments get to your head and don't let criticism get you down. 

Don't be too careful with the money. Money comes and goes. What goes around comes around. Haha. Seriously, I always told you, learn to see money as a vehicle with which you can drive your dreams. With every dollar that you have, keep one third to spend for yourself, one third to save for yourself, and one third to spend on others. 

Speaking of money, do not trade money for meaning of your life. Life has no meaning. Hopefully you will find Human Resources career that gives you fun time and all the money that you need. Live every day as if it is a Friday. Do not live waiting for the weekend. Find something that excites you. 

Let everyday to be a Friday, every single day and do not look for approvals. If you base all your actions on the approval of others, ultimately you will loose your own happiness. Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's hands. Learn how to say "no" to people and obligations that do not add some value to your life.

Your time on this earth is precious. You must be careful with the time. Spend your time with people and do activities that makes you smile. Anger never solves any situation. You already have kindness and now you have to learn to be firm. Firmness and kindness is the key for easy relation with people.

Get your point across without loosing your integrity. It is the only response that you will not regret later. No matter how upset you are, always treat others with respect. You will be surprised at how much can be accomplished with kindness.

Stop complaining and blaming others. No one likes that. If you do not like your current situation, work towards changing it. But don't sit and complain about it. Complaining and blaming will get you nowhere. In fact, it will only make others not want to be around you. Look for the positive in every situation. And if you do find a problem, quickly find a solution.

You will never get to where you want to be by complaining about where you are now. Each step in your life is preparing you for the one that comes after it. Learn to slow down. Give people your full attention. Learn to listen to others.

The world is a difficult place. You may experience suffering but never stop to see the beauty around you.

Love you.

Dad